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RIP my baby baby.
its been a rough couple of weeks. my grandmother died and it was hard to deal with and accept… yesterday morning, i woke up in an uncontrollable emotional state and cried for no reason, started my period, and ate food all day. then, i really thought that things were looking up. its pride weekend in seattle and the girls and i were planning on going out to hit on some ladies (hehe). as i was finishing getting ready, grabbing my purse and jacket, slipping on my cute new shoes, brittany called from the bottom of the stairs that i needed to come downstairs. she said someone had come to the door and that there was a problem with slater, my little baby kitty. i walked out the front door and saw her lying on the sidewalk at the bottom of the stairs, motionless. tears filled my eyes and i dropped everything i was carrying and ran down to her. i immediately lost it. i knew right away that she was dead. her little body just lying there like she was sleeping, but i knew. i think i screamed. my knees buckled and my heart literally sank. i actually felt the physical sensation of my heart breaking as i looked down at her soft, kitty body. the girls that had come to the door passionately hugged me and told me how very sorry they were. those poor ladies, unable to know how devastated i would be, were the bearers of the tragic news that topped off a not so wonderful day/month. as they walked away and britt went to get eli, i dropped to the ground and cried like i havent cried in a long time. loud. angry. confused. i couldn’t understand what happened or why. i felt like a child who didn’t understand death or how instantly it can change everything. everyone came outside and we all cried, petting her. i wanted to hold her and kiss her and make her better. i picked her up and cried until her head was soaked by my tears. eli carried her inside, i just couldn’t do it. i called bookis and brandon, who rushed over, and we all sat with her, talking about how unique and amazing she was. jess, eli and i held her in our arms, crying and just wanting her to wake up. i held her one last time, looking at her unclosed eyes that had changed from a beautiful green to completely black, until the pads on her little paws started to get cold and her back legs began to stiffen. a placed her in a box that mere had lined with a blanket and closed the top, sealing it with my tears.

slater was more than just my kitten. she was a huge part of the hotbox family. my daughter. a sister. a friend. i really cannot describe the cat she had become. i’ve never known one like her. loving, kind of crazy, and the best cuddle buddy anyone could ask for. but now i don’t know what to do. what about urchin? she’s lost her sister, and she won’t let me cuddle her. everytime i tried to show slater to her she would run, and then sit at a distance and watch me holding her sister, crying. urchin’s going to be so lonely… and we are all going to miss slater so much.

we don’t know what happened to her. there was no blood, her body was fully in tact. upon further investigation, we found that she has a swollen mass in her belly, and her back claws were very short and completely frayed. we have our theories; a bike hit her, she fell from a tree and was unable to flip herself around, the fleas finally got to her (she was the only one we hadn’t had a chance to spray with the anti-flea stuff… damnit). we also worry (hope) that she will turn into a zombie kitty when the last petal of the rose that brandon brought me falls. i’d say its more than a possibility. but for now, we will bury her in the yard at the hotbox or at the honeybucket, and miss her more than you can know.

god, slater. i fucking love you so much. i wish you were here, sleeping on the pillow above my head or plopping down on my chest, leaving me just enough room to breath. i’d give up that breathing room to have you here with me now. i’m going to miss you so much… we all will.

mom.